its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
there is glitter all over my balls
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
