Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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