Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize