you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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