What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize