i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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