I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
