I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
