I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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