Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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