John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
