The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
