So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
