That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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