i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
