I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
