i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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