the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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