I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
