im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
