I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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