He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize