you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
