i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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