Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
