Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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