You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
