At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
