When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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