omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
