There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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