I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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