How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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