Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
