My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
did i just pee glitter
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
