If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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