can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
