talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
