I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
