Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
