the condom got lost in my hair
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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