Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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