Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
