Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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