he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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