I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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