soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
