dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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