i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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