smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
