...so i touched it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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