So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
