Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
being pregnant is like rehab
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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