Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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