need another drink. this is the easiest way
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
