tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize